Debuting the brand spanking new video for her latest single ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ at the MTV VMAs last night, Taylor Swift has officially brought a kickstart to the promotion of her upcoming album, ‘Reputation’. The music video in question, which contains various versions of Taylor in a variety of situations (alliteration is fab), has already got over 45 million views on YouTube at the time of writing.
Whether you love her or hate her, T-Swizzle has been all abuzz over the internet recently. In order to do my part for the cause I’ve decided to rank every iteration of Taylor Swift that this music video has to offer, from the very worst to the very best. Why? Because there’s genuinely nothing I’d rather do with my time.
***
11. Zombie Taylor Swift
Now, call me old-fashioned but I generally prefer my pop-stars to be living and breathing. Whilst I can appreciate that there’s probably some symbolic reason for the presence of a zombie Taylor Swift, I haven’t actually managed to figure that out just yet. Maybe it’s a reference to Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’? Maybe it’s meant to symbolise the re-birth of Taylor’s career? Maybe it’s a music video director’s secret penchant for necrophilia coming to the fore? Whatever the reason is, it’s a no from me.
10. Bloodstained Chainsaw Wielding Taylor Swift
In a similar vein to the undead incarnation of Taylor Swift I don’t really get this one. Why is Tay-Tay covered in blood? Why is she cutting off the wings of a golden private jet? Why do these questions continue to keep me up at night?
9. Bank Robber Baseball Bat Taylor Swift
Those who follow Taylor on Instagram will be aware of the starlet’s fondness of cats. Which makes the cat masks the bank robbers are wearing quite a nice touch. I spite of following Miss Swift on just about every social media outlet available I’ve yet to come across the singer’s passion for bats. Which makes the inclusion of a bat in this a rather bizarre touch. Combined with thigh-high red boots, green nail polish, and this embroided Gucci sweatshirt, this Taylor doesn’t really seem to have it all together. I wouldn’t ever tell her that though. Because she’s got a big baseball bat. And looks angry.
8. Biker Chick Taylor Swift
This one just looks as if Taylor had just finished binge watching Sons of Anarchy over the weekend and was suddenly filled with the fleeting desire that she wants to become a biker chick. Either that, or she’s really looking to impress Danny Zuko at the school dance.
7. Prison Swing Taylor Swift
This version of Taylor Swift is quite obviously meant to represent how she feels caged by the misogynistic music industry she inhabits. A song bird just waiting to break free and let her message be heard by all those who will listen, Taylor’s dressed in orange and even got a snake tattoo that epitomises all the hardships she’s been through. Or, y’know, Taylor simply decided to watch a little bit of Orange is the New Black after finishing with Sons of Anarchy.
Or, in the far more likely situation, Taylor might have half-heartedly listened to someone atttempt to describe what OITNB was about whilst she conjured up potential situations that would allow her to spend a chunk of her music video budget on a giant swing.
6. Reputation Jumpsuit Taylor Swift
Standing on top of a mountain of all the Taylors of the past who have come and gone, it’s difficult not be a little intimidated by what we can assume is Taylor’s latest persona. It’s also difficult to understand what exactly this outfit is about. Her upper body seems like it would get overly warm whilst her bottom half looks like it will get far too chilly. It’s just not practical really.
5. Dance Troupe Taylor Swift
Channeling her inner Flashdance, this tousled hair, all-black, iteration of Taylor Swift may not exactly be as edgy as she thinks it is, but the all-over fishnets do add a little va-va-voom to Taylor’s admittedly vanilla exterior. The ‘I <3 TS' shirts on the back-up dancers are also a great throwback to the time that Tom Hiddleston was spotted in a shirt with the very same embarrasing slogan.
4. Leopard Print Car Crash Taylor Swift
Evidence that you should never drive with a Grammy in your hand, this fairly trashy ensemble is a refreshing change from the more demure outfits we’re used to seeing her in. Arguments may be had regarding whether this a reference to Princess Diana and the pressures placed on the modern celebrity (it’s probably not), but Swift in leopard print is a sight to see. And one that we enjoy seeing.
3. PVC Dictator Taylor Swift
I’m not exactly sure what PVC Ditctator Taylor Swift’s agenda is but I am willing to listen.
2. Bathtub Full of Diamonds Taylor Swift
It’s Taylor Swift in a bathtub full of diamonds. What’s there to complain about? A reference to Britney Spear’s iconic YM magazine cover, Swift obviously feels a kinship to Spears in lieu of how both musicians have been given a fairly rough ride by the media. The subtle inclusion of the single dollar that she won in a sexual assault case against an errant DJ is also pretty clever. It’s also Taylor Swift in a bathtub full of diamonds.
1. Snake Queen Taylor Swift
Fully accepting the ‘Snake’ tag that the internet bestowed upon her after the whole Kanye debacle, it’s interesting to see Taylor Swift going all out and embracing the hate. With snake jewellery, a snake candle, and actual snakes surrounding her, the imagery here is hardly subtle but we still found ourselves more distracted by this rather revealing red number. Is the colour red meant to be an homage to Swift’s fifth studio album that shared its title with the primary colour? I don’t know. But I also don’t really care.
