1. Lament the absence of attractive stewardesses
No, no no. This isn’t what the Virgin Atlantic advert has led you to believe at ALL. You expected a Mila Kunis lookalike catering to every single one of your needy whims all flight long, what you’ve got is Betty Crocker pushing the Duty Free cart down the aisle like it’s her zimmer frame, eyeing you suspiciously when you offer to help her open the can of Pepsi you ordered 15 minutes ago.
2. Speak English in a foreign accent
An approach you’re certain your dad utilised when you were a boy and left Benidorm a hero – but for some reason these local Italian restaurateurs don’t seem to comprehend your request for a “anicatableaclosatothebar.” Ahh well there’s always the fail-safe option of pointing and speaking louder.
3. Get food poisoning
So what if you’re the only person in the restaurant and the local emaciated cat actively avoids the place? You can’t argue with 15 AED for moules marinières.
What does prove more costly is the 2000 dirham emergency doctor call out bill and subsequent injection he administers to stop you losing control of all your bodily functions. Still, only an oaf doesn’t sample the local cuisine right?
4. Invest in the wrong sun cream
“Factor 25? For how much?!!” Nah I’ll just get this ‘tanning oil’ stuff, I’ll be in the water most of the time anyway”, the familiar words you brazenly tell your wife as you stride out into the midday sun…destination: Tan Town.
Four hours later there isn’t enough Aftersun left in the Costa del Sol to save you. Fortunately your eyelids are so blistered you can’t open them to see the judgement from your evenly tanned wife.
5. Attempt to read THAT book
You haven’t got past the third paragraph on page six in two years, but this trip to the Maldives will see you finally finish Crime and Punishment. All you needed is some time to yourself… Heck, you might even start on the plane. Just, sit back, open it up and… ‘What’s that? Happy Feet 2 on In-Flight entertainment? Oh go on then…’
6. Make ‘conversation’ with the local taxi drivers
Local knowledge is what you need, and what better way to get it than befriending a local cab driver? Except this cabbie does not seem to want to speak…to anyone. He looks increasingly sinister when you demonstrate your pigeon Spanish, chews his gum like Alex Ferguson during a penalty shoot-out and has thrown his taxi radio out of the window when asked do to another airport pick up. His incredulous glares have also led you to believe he thinks your girlfriend is too good for you.
7. Miss out on deckchairs
You’re on holiday – why on earth should you get up at the horrific hour of 8am to ensure you have a something to relax on for the rest of the day? Because it’s day three – you’ve developed a mild hernia from unforgiving sand patterns, and your girlfriend is now sharing a deckchair with the Cypriot Peter Stringfellow. Still…a towels fine isn’t it? And will nicely mop up those tears.
8. Scout the plane for people checking into the same hotel
They’ve ruined your check-in, lounge and now flight experience, but as long as you’re not lumbered with THAT group of ‘Lads on Tour’/ Mentally unstable two year old/American couple, it will be OK.
“There’s more than one hotel in Marmaris darling,” your girlfriend calmly reassures your frantic, perspiring form. “I’m sure they won’t be at ours”.
But of course, they are. And – recognising you from the plane – believe you are now firm friends for life. Cue a state of isolation in your room Howard Hughes would be impressed with.
9. Feel pale
Sure there’s a stigma to a spray tan – but even the harshest insults from your mates come a distant second to the cruel Greek child labelling you “Voldemort” as you drag your translucent body away from the beach crowds. T-shirt back on then…