Look, we get it. It’s summer.
Everything looks nicer against a bright blue sky or bathed in that woozy, heat-struck half-light as the sun starts to set, so you want to make as much Insta-hay as possible while it shines. That’s fair enough.
However, there are a few ground rules to straighten out before you launch yourself iPhone-first into your next outing.
What not to do
- Start an Instagram account for your dog in the summer, if you’re not going to keep it up in the winter.
- Expect to do your best “Insta-work” at a festival. When was the last time you thought a gig would be better enjoyed as a video on someone’s phone?
- Go on a wellness retreat, write about it in your notes and post the paragraph as a picture.
- List somewhere as “today’s office” (unless you’re a travelling salesman)
- Take pictures in the gym, telling us you’re getting summer-ready. Just come to us when you’re summer-ready (and even then, we might not actually be that bothered).
- Use the word “vibes” as a qualifier for something inane like “barbecue”, “weekend” or “beach”. What are you trying to say? You don’t know, do you?
- Post inspirational but maudlin quotes on the last day of your holiday. People who have their lives together don’t post inspirational but maudlin quotes. Ever.
- Take too much time on the mise en scène. If you need to spend an hour rearranging the food on the rug, then you’ve lost touch with the concept of enjoying a picnic.
- Go overboard on the hashtags. OK, so you’re chasing likes, but the picture itself tells the full story. No need to break it down into pointless topics: #Mates #Beach #Sun #Holiday #LadsOnTour. You’re better than that. #Behave.
- Let the only picture you post this summer be of yourself in a jaunty trilby.
What to actually do
- Assume that we know you’re “living your best life”.
- Be an Instagram husband. Climb up a palm tree if you have to. (Your partner would do it for you.)
- Go to a beach club if you really want to, but know that the picture of you on a daybed with 18 girls dressed in one-piece swimsuits won’t go down well at home.
- Only post one picture per day. We’re not looking for a live feed of your holiday.
- Like the picture of the girl from Barry’s Bootcamp in a swimsuit. That’s why she posted it. Like the picture of your pal in Speedos, too. He needs love like everyone else.
- Do take pictures of sunsets, everyone loves a mega sundown. But it better be live. None of that “missing sunsets like this” please.
- Master the “smize”.
- Go to Pisa, and see the Leaning Tower. But don’t do that thing everyone expects you to do. You’re far above that.
