I am a man of simple taste. I grew up with swim trunks, In-N-Out, and skateboards. I like my water room temperature, and I don’t complain to the waiter if they messed up my order.
So how can one possibly give an honest review of a hotel when you’ve been pampered to such a degree that you leave in some hallucinogenic haze, feeling like King Tut?
Good question. Truthfully, I don’t know. And having Charlemagne Tha God doing push-ups next to me in the hotel gym, followed by spotting Steve Harvey lounging in the lobby, only enhanced the self-congratulatory feeling of ‘mommy, I made it.’
The Jumeirah at Saadiyat Island Resort in Abu Dhabi looks like something a very dedicated teenager would’ve created in Minecraft – are people still playing that? – a level of architectural opulence one would struggle to find anywhere else other than this region of the world.
Upon arrival I received the grand tour from a devoted member of staff who, after taking me as far as he could on foot, thereby resorted to the use of golf cart – yes, it’s that big. Unlike most hotels who boast of a gym – which really only consists of two treadmills and some free-weights that cease at 10kg – this gym, and varied equipment, mirrored something that would cost several hundred, if not thousand, AED a month, should you have found it in a normal setting.
When staying in such a resort, one gets possessed by a somewhat existential, Kafkaesque state of mind, a sensation only amplified after I entered my room, which was filled with enough decorative chocolate pieces to make Willy Wonka swoon. How did I wind up here? one thinks. And the decorative effort made by the resort in preparation for the Grand Prix finale that weekend was a racecar fan’s dream, and perhaps the closest one will ever get to feeling completely immersed in the world of Formula One when not physically standing on the racetrack.
During my interview with Formula 1 drivers Alex Albon and Logan Sargeant, both of whom were staying at the luxury resort ahead of their final race that weekend, I asked their opinion of the hotel: “It’s just ridiculous,” they echoed. “One of the fanciest places we’ve ever stayed.”
The orange and blue Williams Racing insignia filled the resort lobby, pool, restaurant, and gym, as the official teammates, and Albon and Sargeant themselves, perused across the grounds. Only downside was that they didn’t have an extra racing jumpsuit for me (cries internally).
At the breakfast buffet, it was tough not to stare at the slew of celebrities who, rightfully so, decided on the Jumeirah at Saadiyat Island Resort to take care of all their pampering needs for that weekend, before they headed out to the races.
The only negative aspect of staying in such a place, is the sobering return to reality when it’s all over. How can you be asked to reintegrate into society when you’ve been treated like a prince for the last 3 days?
Either way, I’ll gladly take seconds.
Book here
