Late comedian George Carlin once said, “Women are crazy, and men are stupid. But women are crazy because men are stupid.” And no time of year better exposes this too-close-to-home joke than the holidays. So, have you recently dumped, or been dumped, this Christmas? You’re not alone.
We consulted Sweden based Clara Zelleroth and Helga Johnsson Wennerdal, licensed psychologists specialising in couples therapy, and co-founders of Ally, a couples therapy app built on evidence-based couples therapy, to inquire about this recurring theme of holiday heartbreak.
Stay tuned, fellas. A lot of your ‘what did I do wrong?‘ will be revealed shortly.
The Perils of Expectations
During the holidays, many people exceed their own expectations, which results in an even nastier fall back down to reality when said expectations are unfulfilled. Women expect one thing, men expect another, but neither vocalise these hopeful wants, resulting in impulsive and often unnecessary breakups.
One is instantly reminded of that scene in Crazy, Stupid Love (but in Emma Stone’s case, Ryan Gosling does sound like a bit more fun of an option).
“Ironically, increased time together can actually trigger feelings of loneliness and disconnection. For couples already dealing with relationship challenges, the extended Christmas break can provide ample time to reflect on underlying concerns, many of which are usually concealed by the hubbub of everyday life,” note Zelleroth and Wennerdal. “Suddenly, you find yourselves spending more time together, and deviating from your usual routine. The intensity is turned up, all whilst attempting to meet the unrealistic expectations that films, Instagram, and anecdotes cherry-picked by colleagues paint of the perfect holiday season.”
Much like young children who begin crying after all the presents have been anticlimactically unwrapped, adults clearly aren’t any more mature. As Stephen Hawking said, “my expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus.”
What are the Christmas breakup triggers?
As you might imagine, finances play a big part in breaking up during this period. If you’re scraping by, the sudden need to shell out a chunk of change not just for your direct family, but for friends and irritable in-laws as well, can lead to turbulence and feelings of self doubt.
When this holiday period finally ceases, couples are left in the post-holiday rubble, which often sees a spike in couples-therapy appointments in the month of January, something Zelleroth and Wennerdal both notice in their private practice.
The most common triggers for relationship conflict and breakups during Christmas, in order:
- Family/in-laws
- Money
- Gift-giving
- Festive stress
- Unequal division of chores (e.g. buying/planning gifts, food etc.)
- Different opinion on what’s important and how to celebrate Christmas
Additional data notes that there was a 60% increase in Google searches for ‘breakup’ in the first week of December when compared to the end of November 2023. Similarly, there was a 98% increase in global Google searches for ‘breakup songs’ in mid-January 2022 in comparison to mid-December 2021.
In a survey of 1,000+ people, one in five divorced couples cited Christmas as the hardest time in their relationship. Family law specialists see a spike in divorces post-Christmas, so much so that January 7 is dubbed ‘D-Day’ or ‘divorce day’, as couples begin proceedings in the aftermath of festivities. January is even known as “National Breakup Month“.
Last week, Ally put out a Christmas quiz on their Instagram and in the app.
Findings include:
- 42% of users reported that a rise in living costs had made Christmas more difficult for their relationship this year (64 answers)
- 81% of users disclosed that they plan to work on their relationship in the new year (104 answers)
- The most common disagreements reported were disagreeing over holiday traditions and quality time
- Women feel more stressed than men about “everything that needs to be done”, and to a higher degree answered that spending time with family can be challenging
- Women answered to a higher degree than men that a clear plan and division of tasks are important to them
Key questions/answers:
What do you and your partner disagree over the most during Christmas?
- Family (e.g. in-laws): 21% (24 answers)
- Quality time and scheduling 50% (57 answers)
- Jobs around the house 14% (16 answers)
- Money 16% (18 answers)
What aspect of your relationship is most effected or tested during the Christmas holidays?
- Communication 34% (35 answers)
- Intimacy & Sex 25% (26 answers)
- Conflict & Reaching a consensus 29% (30 answers)
- Acts of Love 12% (13 answers)
To what extent do you and your partner feel stressed during the festive period, compared to how you both feel normally?
- More 52% (65 answers)
- Less 18% (23 answers)
- Just the same 30% (38 answers)
Hopefully these insights weren’t too bleak, but rather a reality check that discussions need to be had. A difficult conversation is never fun when confronted head on, but one thing is guaranteed, the problem will only swell into something unmanageable the longer it’s put off.
Here’s (arguably) the most romantic scene of all time to let you know what potentially awaits, should you rip off the band-aid and have that difficult conversation now instead of, oh, I don’t know, whenever you’re “feeling” like it (aka never).
