How to host a great party
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve got the lads round for the football, or are hosting something the Playboy mansion would be proud of, your reputation rests on getting it right
| Invite right
It’s best to invite twice as many women as men as that’s good for everyone. If you’ve ever been to a GITEX party, you’ll know there’s something depressing and dull about femme light sausagefests. Equally, it’s no fun for the women who begin to attract lots of overbearing attention like a Snickers at a fat camp. Also, it’s worth remembering that more women generally leads to a better atmosphere and there’s less chance of trouble. That is, unless you have particularly ‘sassy’ female friends, in which case, occasional girl fights are not always the worst thing to watch at a party.
| Sort the music out
While it’s better to have an actual DJ, it’s no longer essential. These days, it’s not hard to link a laptop with iTunes to speakers, so unlike before, you never need to keep changing CDs. Make a playlist beforehand long enough to last the evening but aim to get women dancing — when women start dancing the party gets going. For some reason, women tend not to appreciate the music of certain bands, including The Fall, Half Man Half Biscuit, MC5, Nick Cave, etc. If you find one who does, then you should be organising a wedding not a party. Until then make sure it’s stuff people can dance to. If in doubt – Motown.
| Food options
While a barbeque with a pile of meat the size of Godzilla would seem like the perfect way to organise catering, you should really cater for non-meat eaters too. Bowls of M&Ms, nuts and crisps are a bare minimum but you should stretch as far as veggie burgers to keep the hippies happy. But avoid serving it on that ivory plate that Zimbabwe Dave bought you ‘for a laugh’. Remember, keeps guests happy but if you try and make food too complicated then a) It’s a major hassle for you and b) nobody is going to appreciate it anyway. Save it for the dinner party.
You have a responsibility to your guests to greet them and make conversation, even if you only invited some of them because their fit friend wouldn’t come alone. Even Heff lets the odd five-out-of-ten into the mansion to get the bunnies in. Speak to everyone but equally, you have to know when you’re boring people. World Of Warcraft may fill that gaping void in your life but other people really don’t care about how may elves you killed on your computer last night. Or to put it in language you understand — every time you mention it, you lose 100 charisma points. See also: your children, your job (unless you do something genuinely cool, like ninja) or television programmes that nobody else watches but should — even if it is The Wire.
| Eject irate guests
If there is trouble, it’s up to you to sort it out. First ask the offender to behave. Then ask them to leave. But ultimately, don’t be afraid to get physical as it’s your property and your guests that you’re defending – if the other people there are gentlemen like you then they will help eject the unwanted interloper. And by sorting out the problem you’ll get respect for looking after the wellbeing of the other guests, just like Gary and Wyatt at the end of the film Weird Science.