30 Things No Man Should Do After 30
1| Try an experimental haircut. (Especially one that requires excessive gel or stencils).
2| Wear football shirts. (Unless you’re actually playing).
3| Boast about your school exam results. (That B in physics hasn’t exactly been life-changing, has it?).
4| Put anything in a clip frame. (You might as well have a Pulp Fiction poster on your wall).
5| Eat Pot Noodle with half a loaf of Spinneys bread as your main meal. (OK, only occasionally).
6| Pretend you like hip-hop. (Be honest, you don’t).
7| Invite your friends over and “entertain” them by mixing records. (You’re not a DJ, the summer of love is long gone and you find it hard enough to mix drinks).
8| Queue to get into a club. (Even your mixing is preferable).
9| Run out of ice.
10| Play loud music, with windows down, while driving. You’re not in “the ‘hood” and nobody wants to hear your dreadful RnB mixtape.
11| Invite other adults to pull your finger (we’ll make an exception for children).
12|Use emjois/emoticons in any form of message to anyone. It’s not endearing, it’s creepy.
13| Take your washing home to your mum. (You should be bringing her presents now, not bin bags).
14| Sleep on a futon. (It’s time you went up in the world).
15|Work experience. If you haven’t experienced enough work by the age of 30, doing more of it for free is not going to help you.
16| Own the same bed linen you had at college. (Not cool. Or safe).
17| Start wearing things because they looked good on that 21-year old model on the catwalk.
18| Stay over on friends’ sofas. (Unless Uber’s gone offline).
19| Buy cheap shoes. (Unless you’re a minicab driver).
20| Be sick on a night out. (You won’t remember doing it, others will).
21| Tell twenty somethings that they’ll “learn with time”. You might have a few years on them but you’re not Gandalf.
22| Still watch WWE. Tuning in to pantomime story-lines from ‘roided-up men in trunks was barely passable in your late teens.
23| Look up old girlfriends on Facebook. It’s borderline.
24| Leave a giant pack of loo roll on show in the bathroom. (Along with a showerproof AM radio and the entire Axe Africa range).
25| Celebrate scoring in five-a-side with a handspring / knee-slide / dance of any kind / the full Tardelli while screaming obscenities.
26| Wear novelty socks. Obviously.
27| Sport love bites in the office. (Roll-necks in summer – dead giveaway).
28| Describe that rudimentary ‘spag bol’ recipe you’ve been trotting out since you left home your ‘signature dish’.
29| Make new friends. (Far too much like hard work).
30| Make pained “ahhh” noises when you bend or sit down. (Save it for 60).