Need a super last-minute Halloween costume? Wear a hat
I am one of those obnoxious, mirthless people who hates Halloween.
I mean, I like candy. But I hate—hate—dressing up in a costume. Why? Because, well, I'm an obnoxious, mirthless asshole. Just like you!
OK, maybe not just like you. But if you're one of those folks—and there are so, so many of us—who for whatever reason can't stand this week's particular brand of costumed revelry, I have something to say to you: Just wear a hat, and call it a day. It's the best costume there is, one even haters can get behind. And I'll tell you why: the 1993 film masterpiece Hocus Pocus.
Even if you hate most of Halloween's trappings, there's no one on this planet so entirely devoid of the capacity for joy that they don't like Hocus Pocus. That movie is a damn delight!
Plus, it plays on every channel throughout the entire month, so it has effectively baked itself into the our consciousness. Hocus Pocus is all of us.
Which means we all know the scene where Max—the idiot brother who needs to be saved by his love interest, little sister, and three-hundred-year-old talking cat—puts on his most bullshit of costumes to go trick-or-treating.
He's a little leaguer! Yes, it's a cop-out. But that's exactly what you're looking for, right? Plus, once you put on your hat (any will do), you're not just a little leaguer—you're Max from Hocus Pocus dressed as a little leaguer. This thing has layers. It works on multiple levels. (Two.)
So, you've got a party tonight? Wear a hat. Put in the barest minimum effort, just like Max. You might even enjoy yourself! (No promises.)
Then, as soon possible, go home and watch Hocus Pocus. You'll enjoy that, even if you're an obnoxious, mirthless person.