15 ways to play Pokémon Go with dignity
So you're spending every waking hour of your life pretending to exist in the reality of a kid's cartoon show? Cool. No judgement here. The real world is awful.
But we've all had a chat and, Pokémon cards on the table, we'd prefer it if you stopped doing all of these things with immediate effect...
1. To the best of your ability, try to abstain from positioning a Diglet over your crotch and taking a screenshot.
2. If you (understandably) can't resist doing that, then under no circumstances should you send said screenshot to every girl on your contact list with the caption "U teach me & I'll teach U ;) ;P \(ö)/"
3. Avoid zoos, lest you fall into a dizzy Pavlovian state and start lobbing rocks at the alpacas.
4. Delete the words "Pokémon trainer" from your Twitter bio right this very second, before we ring up all of your childhood bullies and organise a meet-and-beat.
5. Try not to boast about the amount of "lures" you have. It's creepy.
6. Don't take your friends on a made-up short cut because you've heard murmurs of Pikachus hanging out near the Arz Lebanon across town.
7. Don't force your poor, tired mum to delve into your childhood loft and retrieve old Pokémon cards. They're still as worthless as your time seems to be.
8. Try to resist maxing out your iPhone memory with this 10-hour Pokemon theme tune loop in a bid to make the experience more 'authentic.'
9. You do not – repeat, do not - need to wear a backwards-facing cap to play Pokémon Go. You look like a Trump supporter on their holidays.
10. Don't spend your weekend discussing Pokémon Go with kids in the local playground, however much they 'just understand you'. The police definitely won't.
11. Don't point your iPhone camera at a fellow commuter's face in an attempt to catch a Golbat, like you've suddenly found your muse or something.
12. In fact, just turn VR off altogether.
13. Try not to let Pokemon lingo trespass into other areas of your life (e.g: screaming "I choose you!" in a girl's face at Barasti.)
14. Don't cellotape your iPhone to your dog just to make eggs hatch faster.
15. When someone asks you about the happiest moment of your life, try not to talk wistfully about that time your 10km egg hatched into a Snorlax (at least, not in front of your partner or children)