The Emoji Movie and the sad state of modern cinema
Have you ever had a really great idea for a film? One that manages to encompass action, adventure, comedy, and romance all in one? No? Well how about an alright idea for a film? Still nothing? How about an original thought? Yes? Alright, well please for the love of God take your innovative thought-thinking mind and move to Hollywood, California, because they’re making an emoji movie.
Yes, you read that right, an emoji movie. An emoji movie? A movie about emojis. A movie that’s main character will probably be that lady-in-a-red-dress-dancing emoji that all your female friends use when they go out for a night on the town. A movie that’s little yellow creatures will likely be able to challenge Minions as the most hated animated creations of all time. This is the future of cinema. This is the end of cinema. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whale emoji.
Produced by Sony Pictures Animation, the film will supposedly take place entirely within the whimsical world of a smartphone (because nothing says fun like Facebook notifications and texts from your incompetent work colleagues), with the studio aiming to entice makers of popular apps to join the project as partners in order to have their products advertised featured in the storyline. It’s Product Placement: The Movie, and any reader’s hopes for app developers to be above stooping so low can immediately be placed in their box of misplaced faith alongside the England football team as music powerhouse Spotify have already confirmed their involvement in the shill film.
It’s Product Placement: The Movie, and any reader’s hopes for app developers to be above stooping so low can immediately be placed in their box of misplaced faith alongside the England football team
Now, you may protest at this point that both the Lego Movie and Wreck-It-Ralph had similarly product-based plot lines, and that they both ended up being quite good – the latter even ended up netting an impressive $471.2 million at the Box Office. Whilst I’ll concede that you may be correct in that regard, both of those films had strong creative teams behind them. The emoji movie on the other hand has Tony Leonidas, the director of not one but TWO direct-to-DVD Disney animated sequels, at its helm (Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch and Kronk’s New Groove for the inquisitive out there). There will be a poo emoji joke and it will be awful. Trust us.
Titled the Emojimovie: Express Yourself – a title as generic and utterly unimaginative as plain white bread – the movie is set for an August 2017 release date, and we’re unfortunately saddened to say that this isn’t the only example of corporate greed going mad in Hollywood recently, as reports have also suggested that the much-anticipated Tetris movie will now be a trilogy. Yeah, you know that film you didn’t want to see? They’re making three of them.
Producers claim their decision to split the film into three parts was based on the fact that their story is simply ‘too big’ to be told in one film, however the recent trend of sub-par films being split into separate parts in order to make more money (we’re looking at you The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part Two) is a painfully real reality of the movie industry. Just wait for Brad Pitt to be cast in the role of a lifetime as a straight cyan block. It’s inevitable.
If it’s going to happen anyway then we might as well get on-board the corporate movie machine. Here are just a few of our own fantastic movie ideas that Hollywood is free to use:
Memes: the Movie – A slapstick comedy where everyone repeats the same joke over and over again for comedic effect. No doubt starring Adam Sandler.
A Snapchat Story – A romance between a couple who fall in love over Snapchat but are unable to meet in real-life until the film’s climax. Starring Rachel McAdams and literally any generic male actor.
Vine – An action film set deep within the heart of a jungle where intrepid explorers are attacked by malicious tree vines which have a mind of their own. Starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
YikYak – An animated film that focusses on a talkative herd of Yaks forced away from their homeland by an evil corporate farm. Starring the vocal talents of Josh Gad.
Instagram – A comedy where two slovenly buddies discover they have the magical ability to summon a gram of contraband at a moment’s notice. High-jinks ensue. Starring Seth Rogan and James Franco.